I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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