mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
