he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
