I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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