my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
