i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
