so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
