i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
So squirting runs in the family.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
