i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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