So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
