You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
where are my eyebrows?
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