just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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