I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
