and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize