I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
