Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
