are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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