I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize