Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
