I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
