My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
