I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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