My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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