So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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