Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
