Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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