If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
