I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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