I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
