I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize