the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
