True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
