sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
