Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
