Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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