i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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