Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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