Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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