Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
