Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
