Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
