So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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