she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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