Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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