God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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