If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
please come you make the beer taste better
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
