you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize