i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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