you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
