What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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