mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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