Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
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