Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
