woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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