But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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