god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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