btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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