You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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