And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You're like the curious george of whores
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Still dying that you shit outside
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize