She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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