I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
