I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You ruined the universe
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
