I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
