Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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