woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
