There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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